I’m trying to write more every day. At least one sentence a day. And now I’ve written three so I’m thinking that’s all that’s really needed today.
Okay okay okay.
So I’m getting married and I don’t know how to pick a date, who to invite, can’t settle on colours for sure, and am pretty sure my future groom and I are not on the same page. We want a small ceremony, but don’t know what kind. Our wedding party (not including family) currently has three people in it – me, the groom, and the maid of honour. The reception like, what even is that? We want a large(er) one but of course don’t know how many people for sure, or even what to do.
WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE THESE THINGS.
I started this post really differently but all I really wanted to say is that depression is really shitty.
I have a lot of trouble speaking eloquently about it because I‘ve been there. THERE. there in the black hole of feeling empty, sad, nothingness. Or obnoxiously loud fear. Constant doubt. Self-beration for anything and everything.
And you know, I‘m doing good now. A lot better. But I‘m not always totally sure how. I know it took a long time. And a lot of prayer, more from other people than myself. And I know it was weird. And long enough ago that I can say something. Just a small, ineloquent, badly written something. But something. Seriously who reads this anyways?
I guess I don‘t know what I wanted to say. Just that I wish I knew what to say?
If your in the midst of a really bad bout of depression, or dealing with mental illness, or even just really bummed out I‘m thinking of you. And I wish I could love you with my actions, with being the buddy that takes you out for coffee or bakes you cookies, or that guy that helps you move. I wish I could be that one random thing that makes you laugh, maybe hysterically, for the first time in forever. I wish I could tell you “I LOVE YOU” and it be okay and have you really believe it. I wish I could be that one person that encourages you that you believe. I wish I could give you a hug, or maybe just squeeze your hand gently if hugs aren’t your thing.
I guess maybe I‘m the only one who reads this, but even if just one other person sees this who needs it, it‘s worth it. I wish I could show you I love you. I really, REALLY do.
I don’t know what to do with my life. Ever. Like, down to whether or not I want to finish my coffee before peeing.
And that’s a pretty difficult predicament. I mean, if I don’t, I’ll just need to pee really badly again like, twenty minutes later. But if I finish it before, then I’ll need to pee twice as badly and my bladder will be ridiculously close exploding.
Shit. I have to pee now. I’ll write more later.
I just need a place where I can ramble about whatever strikes me, or have the ability to cathartically vomit the wounds on my soul. This has been stewing in head for a while now, and finally I decided “Hey, why not. You’re doing nothing else with your life, (unfortunately) so why not start a little project that may or may not flatter your vanity?”
Except that probably people won’t see it.