bizarro crap that no one else finds interesting

Pointless Concerns

I am always so worried about my creativity disappearing. Like, what if one day I wake up and can’t draw? At all?

I’m terrified that’s already happened. I’m also terrified that it’s because I haven’t gone to college. I’ve traveled the world, worked crappy jobs, had a dream wedding, and have been married for like, seven  months, but for some reason I feel like that’s not enough. Especially the traveling bit – it took me so long to come to terms with the fact that maybe I didn’t do everything I felt I should, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t get shit done, you know?

But man, I’ve waxed and waned oh so poetically about my possible loss of creativity, and I just want to be done. I want to be motivated to draw, and write, and dance, and run, and make a little music every day. I want to be motivated enough to actually learn Spanish. I want to get over my fear of debt for life and total failure and actually apply for scholarships and schools and just go. I want to be an art student, but I also want to be a bad ass investigator or something so I want to stop caring if my art is good enough and just make art for my love of it and study hard to become the bad ass investigator or international diplomat or whatever I want to be.

Shoot. I just realized something.

I don’t actually want to make a career out of my creativity, and I think I’m okay with that for the first time in my life.

I don’t have to make being creative how I support myself, I can be creative just because I want to and I need to get something out. And I can always do that, no matter what. And I can pursue a more intellectual career, and I won’t be betraying my little artist’s soul, so long as it doesn’t prevent my from generally being creative.

I can do what I want, and by choosing one thing it doesn’t mean I’m forgetting or excluding the other.

Huh. I should write more often. It really helps me think.

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tldr: I got lost in an airport, thought I was Harry Potter, failed to pass through a portal to Utah and then got un-lost.

I’ve traveled quite a bit the past few years and this summer has been no exception with a fair mix of both flying and driving. Normally I like to think that I’ve become a fairly competent human at navigating the labyrinths that airports can often present, but Charlotte Int’l threw me for a loop last week. Here’s what I wrote on it:

That weird moment when you’re in the Charlotte Int’l airport, stuck for a three hour layover?

Not weird, you would think, until you realize your gate does not exist.

You cock your head to the side like your dog does when he doesn’t understand why you’re staring at him when you think you have a psychic, heartfelt connection and he doesn’t know what any of those words mean. You pace up and down between gates 16, 17, 12, 19, and 10 trying to figure out what logic there is to this organization of gates. Was the architect of this airport on crack-cocaine? Or just bizarrely mischievous? Why is gate 11 not between 10 and 12? A small, childish part of your mind that grows larger as you continue to pace vaguely wonders if your flight from Charlotte to Salt Lake City is actually a magic portal, or maybe the gate only appears when the sun’s at a certain angle. MAYBE IT’S LIKE PLATFORM 9&3/4. You realize that generally running headfirst into columns in the middle of several busy gates is not the most logical decision you could publicly make, so instead you just walk quickly over to it and heavily lean into it with your hand while sort half stretching your other arm out since you can’t decide whether to look like you’re stretching or relaxing momentarily in between catching flights like the cool, nonchalant, not neurotic traveler you are. . . not. When you don’t magically fall through into a fancier, magical terminal that doesn’t look like it was designed in 1978 you realize that A. you’ve indulged your crazy too much and/or B. you were supposed to run into the column.

B. Is not an option but you’re delusional and desperate at this point to find the correct gate. You skip the running bit and check the departure screens in the tiny hope that maybe you’ll be leaving from a gate that actually exists, but no, it’s still the taunting, non-existent gate 11. You’ve already checked the mockingly friendly arrows on the signs that are supposed to direct you to your needed gate seventeen times, but you check for the eighteenth time hoping against hope that you’re just a blind idiot and maybe gate 11 has been right next to you the whole time.

It hasn’t.

Finally you decided to walk further down the rows of small eateries and further gates whe- WHAT THE DUMP GATE ELEVEN, YOU UNTRUSTWORTHY SWINE, WHY ARE YOU ACROSS FROM GATE SEVEN 80 YARDS AWAY FROM THE NEAREST LOGICAL LOCATION FOR YOU?

Then you type up an awkwardly long description of your illogical confusion when you grumpily but gratefully sit down after realizing that odd numbered gates were on the right and even numbered gates were on the left, thrown out of whack by the restaurants randomly inserted between gates.

Oops

I should not be allowed to be an adult.
Good news is I only have two hours left till I board my next flight.

Today’s post is brought to you by the letter “S”

There’s this kid at my work named Tyler and I think he hates me.

I’m good at my job, but I hate it and I think he’s picked up on that and doesn’t appreciate it. I think he also dislikes that I’m almost always hustling to get out of there when my shift ends.

Most of my co-workers are fine and it’s not the worst job I’m just tired of it and it gets in the way of getting stuff done for the wedding and it’s just kind of a gross job. I come home smelling like campfire smoke, dirty dishwater, and feet. And like all people in food service my back is trying to murder me and may eventually succeed.

Since I’ve been so annoyed by it lately I’ve decided to start changing the notices and stuff at work in order to bring myself some small, absurd, mischievous joy.

MUST BE DONE BY THE END OF YOUR SHIFT
becomes
SMUST BE DONE BY THE END OF YOUR SHIFT

QUALITY INN MAP
becomes
LOW QUALITY INN MAP

Of course I didn’t just stop there. I messed with people’s time cards too.

TYLER
becomes
STYLER

LOGAN
becomes
SLOGAN

VANCE
becomes
SVANCE

Most of them have gotten a good laugh out of it. But Tyler asked me about it today and I think he was really mad. He said he wasn’t, but he was pretty passive aggressive about it.

Oops.

Sorry, Styler.

Ya’ll.

I have followers. And I don’t know how you found me. And it’s weird. But welcome, I guess? I suspect most of you are fishing for follow backs but I’m not really into that scene so no thanks, franks. If you’re here because you care about what I write then I hope you don’t mind that I’m not censoring or editing myself very much. Pretty much not at all. Whatever.

Anywho, I’m in the middle of a skype date with my fiancée but wanted to write this before I forget and he’s busy doing sexy things like checking his financial statements so I don’t want to keep missing out on that. Check ya later, ya’ll.

I’m the worst. By which I mean awesome.

I have a million things running through my mind going at a frantic, non-stop pace that should probably qualify me as asylum worthy but for some reason has yet to visibly imbalance me that much on the outside. That or I’m so crazy I don’t realize that this isn’t reality and I actually am in an asylum. But I’m also really happy with my scatter brained existence so I guess I don’t care? Is that bad? Shouldn’t I care if I’m actually insane? Oh golly maybe I do. If I’m genuinely insane then I could wake up at any moment and everything here will go away and my life is really going good at the moment so I really don’t want that to happen. Oh gosh I hope this is the really real reality because if it’s not then I’m going to miss my fiancée so much and it’s going to really freak him out if I start acting like we’re engaged in this other actual reality if we aren’t in both.

SEE. GADZOOKS, I WAS GOING TO WRITE ABOUT MY WEDDING PLANS OR ACCOUNTABILITY OR SOME NICE SHIT AND HERE I AM DISCUSSING MY POTENTIAL SANITY. I SWEAR MY BRAIN IS ON CRACK COCAINE.

This is why myself and 90% of the world’s population are probably concerned about my impending marriage. I still do things like climb on roofs just to prove I can and graffiti the notices around work to change them from things like “Amanda Wisely bought a 5 Cheese Pizza.” to “Amanda UNWisely bought a 5 Cheese Pizza.
And I sprayed spittle all over the youth Pastor’s husband just because he told me not to.

Yeah.

I’m getting married in T-Minus 41 days.

Awesome.